In order to understand the
impact that the Sexual Psychopath (SP) so-called «Treatment»
program had on me, it is crucial to realize that it was my initiation
into the adult world – and the only initiation I ever got.
I was a 16-year-old
sub-urbanized military brat with no street smarts and very little
sexual experience or information at all when I was first arrested and
charged with «raping» a 14-year-old boy (for pointing an empty gun
at him and making him «blow» on my dick, then masturbating into his
mouth). I was barely nineteen when I was «voted out» of the SP
«Treatment» program and sent to prison for seventeen and a half
years (on a 20-year-sentence) for the same crime. So the SP program
was not just my initiation into the adult world, it was also the only
source of information I had about sex, relationships, social
experience, and everything else that most teens get to learn from
their friends and family. And what I «learned» really confused me
for a very long time; I'm still struggling to sort it out all these
years later!
The worst part was all the
mixed messages I got in the program. The treatment model was based on
very strict rules for conduct and self-examination that all SPs
(Sexual Psychopaths) were required to adhere to under harsh penalty.
An innocent white lie, intended merely to flatter someone could be,
and often was, interpreted as «manipulation» and punished with
anything from a «sub-group» treatment session (a meeting with two
or more other group members to discuss the «treatment issue» and
come up with a «treatment plan» to prevent future relapse) to the
loss of an entire «step» in the program (there were ten steps
required to complete the program, so a lost step could mean several
more months in the program).
And yet the therapists and
other administrative staff who ran the program were not subject to
the rules of conduct and often engaged in behavior that would get any
SP instantly and automatically expelled from the program, which
usually meant being sent to prison.
For example, one day the
therapist for the group I was in («Aquarius» group), Gary Michael
Shepherd, whom insisted everyone call him «Mike», interrupted our
meeting to inform the group that one of the «OBS» (Observation
Status) members who had been «voted out» (i.e. «not treatable»)
had subpoenaed group records and notes which were kept on file for
every meeting. Mike told the group that if anyone asked, the records
were lost in a «fire» (which of course they weren't). And even
though this amounted to the therapist telling the entire group to be
complicit in a criminal act with him, which would result in automatic
expulsion for anyone in the group, everyone just nodded ad “ahemmed”
their agreeance.
(If anyone is interested
in fact-checking this, the man who subpoenaed the group records was
named Lotis Cassidy. He claimed that he did not «abuse» his own
children, but was only teaching them about sex. So, of course the
group said he was in «denial» and found him «not amenable to
treatment».)
I also heard about a
therapist from before I got to the program who was in the «habit»
of picking up young G.I.s hitch-hiking from the nearby military
bases, then forcing them into the woods at gunpoint where he'd tie
them up and rape them anally. I don't know how true this is though,
but I heard it from reliable sources (i.e. my attorneys, who were
investigating the «mitigating» impact that the program might have
had on my recent death penalty trials).
The worst thing that
«Mike» Shepherd did though was very personal to me, and directly
lead to my «quitting» the program (though technically I was, of
course, found «not amenable to treatment», thus «voted out» and
sent to prison). He contacted my mother and offered to «comfort»
her if she needed it. He ended up inviting himself over to her house
and making very lewd and lascivious sexual advances toward her. When
my mother refused his advances, he made implied threats about my (her
son) «advancement» in treatment, and told her that if she did what
he wanted her to do (have sex with him) that he'd help her son move
quickly through the «steps» in the program, etc.
My mother still refused
and forcefully told him to leave. (She has since told investigators
working for my «death penalty» defense team that to this day she
still feels «guilty» for not giving in to Shepherd's demands and
causing her son (me) to be kicked out of the program and sent to
prison.)
The next day she came to
visit me at the program and in tears told me what happened. After
this visit I in turn told the group in the meeting that same evening.
The next day «Mike» Shepherd read the group meeting notes, then
called the «senior leaders» into his office and told them my mother
was lying. Then he called me into his office and with the group
leaders still present he denied making any sexual advances toward my
mother (though he admitted to being at her house to «counsel» her
at her request). I told him I believed my mother, not him. Then he
told me I could believe what I want, but I was not to bring up the
accusations «in group» again (where they'd be documented) and he
told the leaders to make sure I didn't.
As it turned out, Gary
«Mike» Shepherd has a long history of sexually abusive behavior
toward «vulnerable» women, and using his «authority» to take
advantage of them. Later lawsuits brought by women who were raped by
a serial rapist (named Timothy Anderson) while the rapist was on
«work release» under Shepherd's charge, claimed that several other
women related to men in the program (usually wives, and girlfriends)
had also been manipulated for sex by Shepherd, including Tim
Anderson's wife. In exchange for sex with Anderson's wife, Shepherd
had advanced him (the rapist) quickly through the program and AGAINST
the recommendations of the treatment group itself. Thus, Anderson was
raping women while still in the program and living on the treatment
«ward». This lawsuit was settled by the state out of court, and
never received any public attention. The program was shut down
(possibly as part of the «agreement»), but since the allegations
against Gary Shepherd were never proven, he was re-assigned to
another «therapist» position within the same psychiatric hospital
(Western State Hospital) and remained a DSHS (Department of Social
Health Services) employee. (When I was representing myself in this
more recent death penalty case I saw documents stamped «confidential»
all over them that showed several female employees (nursing staff)
who worked with Shepherd in the years since also formally complained
about being harassed and threatened by Shepherd for sexual favors.
The last I heard he was still employed by DSHS though, and had
refused to meet or speak with my «defense team» investigators. He
should be retired by now though.)
Needless to say, the
impact this «assault» against my mother had on me was tremendous.
According to SP program standards, what «Mike» did was «attempted
rape» (i.e. using threats to force a vulnerable person to have sex).
Prior to this incident I was doing very well in the program on my own
(without his «help») and even looked up to «Mike» as a fatherly
figure (which is how he liked to present himself). But now...? Well,
I was crushed, confused, and left with no support or course of
redress for the source of my confusion because of the way Shepherd
forbade me from discussing it with other group members.
I eventually, over the
course of a few weeks, realized I could no longer stay in the
program. I decided to risk prison, which from my perspective at the
time suddenly didn't seem so bad. To understand this decision you
have to realize what the program meant to me. It was my «salvation».
For the first time in my life I felt like I was getting the «help»
and information I needed in order to sort through all the confusing
and hypocritical messages I kept getting from everyone else –
teachers, parents, older siblings, friends, etc.. I realized later in
life that the hypocritical messages I got as a child are «standard»
(i.e. everyone gets them). But most people find something to «hold
onto» (rationally) in order to fair the confusion. They find some
belief or other that becomes their «religion» in some sense
(literally or figuratively) that they cling to no matter what other
messages they receive. This makes them feel safe and secure, thus
providing a sense of salvation and purpose in life. The SP treatment
program was my «religion» in this sense, and Shepherd was my
«priest» (religious leader). That's how it really felt to me. So
when Shepherd did what he did with my mother I lost my «religion»,
and anyone who has ever lost their «religion» like that knows how
devastating it can be, and would instantly understand why prison
suddenly seemed preferable to remaining in the «treatment» program.
But, I had just recently
been approved for a special «cottage visit» with my family. This
was a special privilege only for members in the program who had
reached step five or above. It was an entire weekend visiting in one
of the hospital's cottages with no security. The only restriction was
that you could not leave the hospital grounds. But I could walk
around the hospital with my family and cook meals with them in the
cottage. For men with wives this was a conjugal visit. But for me,
since my parents were divorced, I had arranged to spend the first day
(and night) with my mother, and the second with my father. I was very
excited about the visit, so I decided to wait until after the visit
before I told the group I was done with the program and wanted to do
my time in prison.
During the cottage visit I
had an extremely emotional encounter with my mother that confused me
even more at the time, but I have since come to understand it was
deeply related to the confusion that lead me to think that forcing
someone to have sex with me would help me find some resolution and
understanding. It's far too complex for me to attempt explaining
here, so I'll just say that I realized that my mother had feelings
for me that I could not understand at the time. Not necessarily
«sexual» feelings, but not quite «motherly» either. I was her
«religion» in the same sense I've mentioned above. She clung to me
for a sense of sanity in an insane world. There are a lot of complex
emotional reasons behind this, that go back to her having lost her
first child, a boy, in a late term miscarriage at a very young age.
The circumstances under which she lost her first son only made the
experience all the more traumatic and confusing for her. And when I
was born I instantly became her «salvation», and her «religion»,
ultimately to my own demise.
So, long story short, that
first night in the cottage, after my mother had gone to bed, I sat
out on the porch and pondered the meaning of life, and whether it was
even worth living. I had lost my «father» and my «mother»,
emotionally, within a matter of weeks. It felt exactly like my world
had ended, and I knew prison was the only avenue left for me. So I
decided to make my decision irreversible, and I got up and walked off
the porch, across a field, and over the low stone wall that marked
the boundary of the hospital grounds. In effect, I «escaped», which
I knew was the «ultimate» unforgivable violation possible for
someone in the program and guaranteed a ticket to prison.
I didn't go very far,
since my intent was only to commit myself to prison and nothing more.
I walked to a nearby residential street, looked at the houses (i.e.
«freedom»), then returned to the hospital cottage and went to bed
without disturbing my mother in the other bedroom.
The next morning two
work-release members from the group showed up unexpectedly and told
me they were there to escort me back to the ward. It turned out that
two other members in the group got caught having sex in the shower
together. So the group was «grounded» (no one except work-release
members were allowed off ward). We would sit in meeting all day every
day, often into the wee hours of the morning, until the group came up
with a «treatment plan» solution for the entire group. I was a
newly elected «Junior leader» at the time, but because of the
«seriousness» of the problem (sex in the program was second only to
escape as far as seriousness goes, and the only thing worse than
these was an actual sex crime, such as exposing yourself to a visitor
or something), the first thing the group did was elect a more
«experienced» Junior leader to replace me. In the very next meeting
I dropped my own bombshell on the group by telling them –
completely out of the blue – that I did not want to be in the
program any more and had left the hospital grounds («escaped»)
while at the cottage the night before. The group pelted me with
questions, but I clammed up and just kept repeating, «vote me out»
and «send me to prison». That was the most I could say with all the
emotions I was feeling at the time (I was crying like a baby).
The group put me on
«double buddy» watch (so two other members in the group would have
to follow me everywhere, even to the bath room) and then decided to
wait and see what «Mike» would say on Monday.
On Monday, on Mike's
orders, the group leaders called a «marathon line of therapy» on
me. This was an outdated practice in the program that had to be
explained to everyone in the group. It essentially meant that I would
be forced to remained in the group-room, against my will, until I
started answering questions. Other members of the group were allowed
to leave in pairs in order to use the bathroom and/or take a smoke
break. But I was forced, physically, to remain in the group room by
two of the largest members in the group (Tabor Guard and Jessie
Littleton) who sat by the door. I actually got up to try to leave
several times, and even complained that I had to use the bathroom,
but on every occasion I was physically stopped from leaving by Tabor
and Jessie.
After what seemed like a
very long time (one or two hours, maybe?) I started telling them what
I thought they wanted to hear. I tried telling them the truth at
first, that I left the hospital grounds only to make sure I'd be
voted out because of what «Mike» Shepherd did with my mother. But
they called that bullshit and demanded to know the «real reason»,
which according to them was that I wanted to rape another child.
So after several hours of
this I started just agreeing with everything they «imagined» I had
«really» done while at the cottage with my mother. I told them that
I made a «rape kit» consisting of an electric cord and such to tie
up my victim with and took it with me when I «escaped». I even told
them that I spied on a girl doing homework by peeking through a
window. None of this made sense, but it seemed to satisfy them and so
they ended the «line of therapy» once they had the «confession»
that Shepherd ordered them to get from me.
«Mike» Shepherd then
used this «confession» in his official report to the court after I
was voted out of the program. And this report went into my official
file, and eventually became the primary reason I ended up serving
over 14 years in prison. «Mike» claimed in his report that I was
delusional, manipulative, and so obsessed with raping children that I
left the hospital grounds even while still in the program to do
exactly that. I had no idea that his report would plague me like it
did (and still does) for the rest of my life. I tried to challenge it
many years later, but even though «Mike» Shepherd was the one who
wrote the report it was signed off by at least one W.S.H doctor, who
I did not know and never met, and whose credentials I could not
challenge.
Even though Shepherd's
report caused me to serve an exceptionally long prison sentence, and
also caused me to later be classified as a «level three» (worst of
the worst) sex offender after I got out of prison and finished my
sentence, I never blame Shepherd for what he did. I kept an affinity
for him that I couldn't betray. He was, after all, just another «sex
offender» like me. So if I blamed him I'd have to blame myself also.
Instead I sought to blame those who gave him the authority that he
used to hurt me and my mother. Ultimately I blamed the System as I
came to recognize it as a living, breathing, and FEEDING organism
with a will and intent all its own. I directed all my rage for these
injustices toward the ones who ignorantly propagated the System and
allowed it to prosper, that being society itself. And as I sit now on
Federal death row as a result, I blame no one any more, not even
myself.
[J.D. June 20, 2018]
